I Don’t Know

I don’t know.

This phrase I don’t often like. In fact, it’s something I’ve wrestled with so much because I find myself saying I don’t know often. How can you know if you haven’t gone through it? Our culture fixates on this. If you’re not in it, you really don’t know. And you know, I don’t disagree.

I can know about marriage, but I don’t know what it’s like to be married. I can know about children, but I don’t know what it’s like to be a mom. I can know about illnesses, but I don’t know what it’s like to be sick. You get my drift? Knowing about something is different than knowing something.

I used to play college soccer and when I say play I mean played the bench. I just never quite made it to the field and to a degree it still seems that way when I consider the game of life.

My life can be summed up as the bench girl. The sidelines are where my Lord consistently places me. Never quite in the game just near enough to witness it. As much as this has pained me over the years I am beginning to see that not knowing is okay. In fact, not being in the game has spared me from many heavy hits that life brings. I don’t know what it feels like to be married. I don’t know what it feels like to lose a child. I don’t know what it feels like to be diagnosed with a terminal illness. I don’t know what it feels like to be old. I don’t know what it feels like not to be able to speak, hear, walk, see, etc., … This list is endless for me and it always will be.

Why? Because I’m not you. I will never live your life, walk your road, or feel all the deep emotions you encounter as you the play the game of life the Lord gives you. This used to and sometimes still does grieve or rather frustrate me. After all, I am a physical therapist and my job is to fix people, help them, solve their pain, return them to their prior level of function and some.

Well, working nine years in medicine I have come to find there’s much that can’t be fixed. A broken pot can be glued back together, but it’s never whole again. My patients grieve the brokenness and understand things will not be what they once were. A new pot, one full of holes, glued together piece by piece, this is their life now. This is what the toils of being in the game brings. For me to say I know how it feels, I would be a fool. My pot is still on the bench and whole.

So how do I help when I don’t know. How do I help if I haven’t experienced what they’ve experienced? I’ve thought about this much, after all I have daily sideline encounters.

As I watch my beloved friends, families, patients pots start to crack, break, and sometimes shatter what to do when I’m still on the bench?

How desperately I’ve wished to be called into the game so then I could say “I can finally help you because I understand now because I’m actually in the game.” Well if you’ve read this far you know I’ve had the wrong perspective.

Through many bad attitudes, pride, and selfish desires of loathing the phrases “you don’t understand, you haven’t been through this, you don’t know how I feel” I have come to find that my ability to help more isn’t about me entering the game. Getting married, having kids, living their same trial or experiences won’t change my ability to truly help, only pointing them to Christ will and I can do that from the bench or the field.

I don’t know how you’re feeling. I don’t know the fullness of what you’re going through. I absolutely can’t understand what it feels like to be in your shoes because I’m not in them. I’m not in your game, but I am on your sideline and I do know the One who does know fully what you’re going through and in Him alone I can encourage and direct you. Seek Him. Commune with Him. Tether yourself to His Word and believe and have faith in His promises.

My pastor recently passed away and these thoughts were solidified this last Sunday as I sat in the church pew. I pray to know my Lord like Christ communed with God while He lived His earthly ministry. I pray to know my Lord like my pastor knew our God because it is in knowing Yahweh not experiencing all earthly matters that one can care for all.

This was the testimony of Pastor John MacArthur. He had not experienced all the joys and sorrows this life can bring, but he knew his Lord so well that he was able to care so deeply for so many. I pray to emulate this example whether my Lord has me on the sidelines or in the game. Whether married or single, whether sick or healthy, whether poor or rich, whether tears of joy or tears of sorrow oh how I pray to truly know my Lord through His Word and the transforming power of the Holy Spirit.

MacArthur spent his life studying the Word of God. He didn’t just want to know about God he wanted to know God. He emphasized that knowing God is more than just intellectual understanding; it's a personal, experiential knowledge gained through a relationship with Him, particularly through His Word and prayer. He encouraged believers to move beyond simply knowing about God to knowing Him intimately. This involves actively engaging with Scripture, learning what He loves and hates, and cultivating a consistent prayer life.

I may be just 35 but I’ve wintnessed enough sideline views to know that getting married doesn’t fix your life, having children doesn’t solve your problems, taking medicine doesn’t cure your disease, and being called into the game doesn’t qualify you to speak. Knowing God is what matters.

So do you know about God or do you know God? I pray you come to truly know God as MacArthur knew God. This is why he had a love and zeal for shepherding his flock and proclaiming Christ throughout all the world so that others may know the One and true living God because in Him alone fullness of life is found and that which was once broken is made whole.

Whether you find yourself waiting on the bench or playing in the game knowing God is always a reality and it is in this commonality that all differences are breached.

In all your pursuits of seeking to know the “I don’t knows” in your life may your greatest pursuit be “knowing God.” I have come to be thankful for the bench and as long as my Lord has me there I pray to seek Him faithfully so that I may encourage you deeply in the only One that truly matters and can truly help and understand you fully no matter what you’re going through. Our broken pots from the batterings of life will always only ever be made whole again in Him. I thank the Lord for the faithful testimony of Pastor John MacArthur in not just knowing about God but knowing God. It is there complete peace is found no matter what life may bring.

“Be still, my soul, the Lord is on thy side

Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain

Leave to thy God to order and provide

In every change He faithful will remain

Be still, my soul, thy best, thy heavenly friend

Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end”

(“Be Still, My Soul” by Katharina von Schlegel)

https://youtu.be/mq59iE3MhXM?si=TP7GhxN8XZtXGUdS

Jeremiah 9:23-24 “Thus says Yahweh, ‘Let not a wise man boast in his wisdom, and let not the mighty man boast in his might; let not a rich man boast in his riches, but let him who boasts boast in this, that he understands and knows Me, that I am Yahweh who shows lovingkindness, justice, and righteousness on earth; for I delight in these things,’ declares Yahweh.”

(For further study see Psalm 46:10, 37:3-9, 62:5-8, 107:28-35).